critical mass

i have finally reached critical mass. ive reached the point where i fret not
(here's talking about my overwhelmed feelings about work every monday)
there is this inner strength that has popped up inside me.
a more balanced sense that i can handle this.
so, yes =) i am glad that i was pushed to do things i didnt have the
confidence to do. initially it felt frightening, pulling the whole show.
but now, im glad to have learnt the ropes here and there.
so now i can do more? haha.

k, work aside.

you know, i am quite a mental person. mentally not very sound.
i am a people person for sure, i love to be with my friends,
my beloved cousins and relatives (though i must say that some of
my aunts are very naggy). but yes, i am quite mental.

you see, after 3 hours at a facial + massage, i would be very happy when i check my mobile phone and see that there are no missed calls. it is idiot and i think i am pathetic to even have an ounce of happiness just becos there is no one looking for me.
you see, i am a very private person. i love to be alone. i love to read alone, practise piano alone, suntan with maximum 2 friends (unless on holiday-- then it depends, could be 5,6,7,8 people it's fine), day dream alone. write in my diary, pack my bag, listen to music, read papers. etc etc all alone. i need alot of down time per se. and for heaven's sake i cannot say,,,, do some "alone thing" knowing that i have to go on another appt, or that someone's waiting for me. so ya, when i am done with 3hrs of facial, i am happy that i was not needed somewhere by someone. you see, i have the big issue with people needing me. i am afraid of ppe needing me becos it is me who never want to need anyone. call it the teochew stubborness. whatever. i am really an independent person and when i do ask for help, i must have been in dire state to have asked. i dont quite get it too. i think i am too rigid a person. recently i learnt a lesson about asking. i was foolish to think that there is no price in asking for a gift. my aunt touched 4D and i asked her to buy me something. she happily bought it for me. few weeks later, she said,"next time you touch 4D, dont forget about me". well i am not ready for this. i dont like conditional favours. and i was the sucker who asked for the deal in the first place. thinking that there is unconditional gifts. you see, the very strange thing about me is that whatever that is in "my model of the world" i.e. whatever that is "norm" for me, i thought that that is the basic understanding for everyone i deem close to me. for instance, if i touch big 4D, i would buy something for someone for free. free of any condition. as long as it is being appreciated and being asked of (as long as there is a value to the act). i wont think of a return. isnt that how things are? i was so embarassed when my aunt asked that i return a favour in future. had i known that that is her expectation, i wouldnt want a grain of sand. foolish me.

recently a friend asked me if she should have sex with a man she is infatuated with. i said:"how can you ask me such a question?" "what do you want me to answer?"
if i say yes, she will say that "oh, then im sending a wrong message that i am a loose woman." if i say no, she will say "oh but i am never see him again"
blah. can i for the record say that dont ask me such freaking questions when what ever answer is NOT RIGHT. i know that if i say here "dont freaking waste my time", you may get me wrong thinking i am snobbish. so let me tell you the background.

my friend, who is 30 not 13 is suddenly head over heels over an ABC. she felt ashamed to have made the first move by opening the conversation. what day and age is it? i said she can jolly well wait for the rabbit to fall from the sky and let the chance go by. in short, with my step-by-step guidance, my friend managed to have "open communication channels" -ie email and sms with the guy she likes. then they guy called her before stepping into his house upon returning to his home town (overseas). he was afraid if he got home, his mom would grab him, leaving him no time to call my friend. and my friend called to ask me if this is good or bad. duh.
i REFUSE to give an answer. if i say oh that is a good sign, he wanna talk to you before his mommy dearest!, my friend would say oh but that doesnt mean he likes me.
so ya i sreamed. no i didnt la. i sighed and said:"isnt that obvious?" and "i cant tell you if he likes you becos i am not him and i cant design your life, your destiny, i can only tell you that you can choose to LIVE the moment, enjoy your infatuation while it lasts becos it doesnt come easy" (knowing my friend who is one who doesnt just get head over heels with any dick).
whatever the case. pls dont call and sigh into the phone EVERYTIME you call me. becos as much as i am aunt agony, i am not enjoying it 24-7. and for goodness' sake pls dont call my name in vain. i absolutely hate that.
had my friend want to increase her chances of becoming friends with that chap, i would gladly brainstorm all ideas with her. being friends 101, she can count on me on that. but she is not active in making things happen for herself. she just wanna sigh. and say what if what if. so pls, i could only listen to the SAME problem three times. the forth session warrants blatant remarks that i warn: may hurt.

=)